Four Hour Lunch With Matt

I was looking forward to lunch with Matt today. I left the office around one to get to the Crossroads Mall. We went to Chili’s. Our waiter was a ten-six-seven. That, however, was not too much of a distraction.

We started with the normal small talk. How we have been. What has been going on. Who is doing what from our high school class. Then the conversation started to get a lot deeper. We started to talk about religion and life choices. Matt has known that I am gay since the Rose Bowl trip in ought-two. He is really the only one from high school that knows.

He has always wanted to have a long conversation with me about it. I am not really comfortable talking to friends about it if they’re not gay because I feel like I am inferior to them. That I am less of a man. I mean how can a real man have relations with another man. He can not be fully a manly-man. It is hard to explain my exact feeling, but I don’t feel like I am as much of a man when I am around other guys who have relationships with women. I also don’t like the feeling of knowing the person I am with knows, and wondering what they are thinking about me. It is always in the back of my mind. It is like I cannot be totally myself while I am around them.

We talked about how Matt found out I was gay. More or less I was dropping hints to him on the trip. I had wanted to come out to him several times. But then finally he asked on the last day if I was gay. I told him I was. It was all the clues I dropped that he figured it out. I did not really want to talk to him about it there because I did not want the other guys to find out.

That was around four years ago. So here we are in a public place talking about my homosexuality. He asked me some questions about pretty personal things, but for the most part we talked in generalities. He is okay with gay people, but what is interesting is that he will not share a bed with a gay guy. When we were on the trip he said that if he had known I was gay he would not have shared the bed with me in the hotel.

I found out his reasoning was the same if it was another girl. It would not be right, even if nothing happened, but by keeping the distance there is no worry about something happening. He said sometimes alcohol can cause people to do things they regret later on. So even if there were no intentions of something happening, with the proximity of a gay person or a girl so close something could happen. That is not to say Matt is gay. He has no desires to do anything, but to make sure nothing does happen you use separate beds.

I talked to him about how I see the gay community as sort of a cult. The closer you get into it the more you get sucked in. The more you do with it and the more you get sucked in, the harder it is to leave. You start to believe all the things you are told. So even if you feel like you want to change you will not try because it would be futile. You would be a self-hating gay. You don’t want that. Plus anyone who tries to leave will be an outcast. They will be worse than Satan himself. They will be the spawn of evil who is full of lies and hatred. It is amazing how you can be loved by all in the community until you try to leave.

After the lunch finished it was after five in the afternoon. I went back to the office to find Brian had left, so I will have to catch up to him tomorrow to finish getting LP certified. I figured I would work on the code to get it done so we could at least be ready to go for tomorrow.

I was at the office until around seven. I did not have a lot to get done other than the certification for Brian. I did do some testing on the E-mail pager system. I found the E-mails are being generated however they are not being received. I am going to give up on it until Shawn fixes the stuff with the E-mail system.