A Night With Gunnar

Today was day two of the softball tournament. We played on game and were sent packing. We didn’t really hit the ball well and several of the players we had didn’t came back the second day for various reasons. It was this tournament that made me decide not to spearhead any more tournaments. It was took much work to call people over and over to find people to play. I am then questioned why we had so many people in one game. I am getting annoyed that every step along the way I am being questioned. First the question is about me not winning the toss and getting Home team. So I win the toss and get home team only to be told we should take Away from now on. Argh!

Later we had co-ed. There were five women and seven guys. So I just did the managing and let the others play. After the game I stopped by Starbucks and picked up Gunnar. We got some pizza and then went to my place. We watched the Italian Job and then watched some TV. We were together until nearly two in the morning hanging out and watching TV. We saw a lot of shows on Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network that were very strange.

It was fun to hang out with Gunnar again. But I am starting to wonder already if we are right together. I am going to give it some time. I think communication is important. We talked in some E-mails about that. I think it is important that if something is bothering me that I say what it is rather than letting it boil over at some point in the future.

I keep thinking I want a boyfriend, but then when I have someone I wonder if he is right for me. I don’t know if I have dysfunctional issues of having the boyfriend or if the situation is that I just haven’t found the right guy yet. I just don’t know. At times I like the ability to have someone to call “mine”, but then other parts of me feel like it is all wrong. I don’t know if that is the part of me that doesn’t like being gay and that I want to not be gay so it ruins any chances of a relationship. I sometimes look around thinking that “if that guy was my boyfriend I would be happy”.