Alexithymia

This morning I went to the fire station to complete a class that I missed on Monday due to being out of town. It was on Wildland Urban Interface. It lasted about two hours. After the class I met with Heston to learn what I could do to interview better. He suggested getting some more certs. Maybe showing how I am using the certs I have. He said being very clear about my intention to making the fire department my number one priority. It sucks that actually demonstrating that fact doesn’t amount to anything. I just have to say it is my number one priority. It is not about what I have done or what I have shown I will do. It is about what I say I will do. Lesson learned. I let the him know I am actively searching for a job and I don’t know what my future holds as I now need money and I am going to be more willing to accept a job.

After that, I headed home to send a couple E-mails to the people I interviewed with. One was to the first interview that went real poorly. I said that I understand I didn’t do well in the interview, but I can code. I sent some more samples of code and let him know that code I wrote in the document he gave me to fill out was not a copy and paste from the Internet. He E-mailed me back and said I am not a good fit for the team I interviewed for, but there may be another spot for me.

I also E-mailed the company that I interviewed for in Bellevue. We didn’t cover any of my code. So I sent a sample of the code, the sample I put together for the interview. I also reiterated some of my strong points letting them know I would do a great job if given the chance. I don’t know how far that will go. I am very hopeful for that. But I am not holding my breath too much.

I heard back from them as well. It pretty much said that the code would be forwarded. I just hope they forwarded my E-mail message as well.

I went to the jail and worked this evening down there. I went to Rosauers to get some dinner because I didn’t feel like chicken. While there a couple of the deputies were getting dinner. I was asked by one of them when I was going to work next. He is the one that I have sort of had a internal problem with recently and the reason why I have been staying away. So I just sort of changed the subject and said slightly under my breathe that I have been busy.

I was in a mood that was one I could not describe. I have so many things going through me right now. There is the frustration over not getting the job at PFD. There is this feeling like some people are nice to me, but are not really friends, even though I would love for them to be friends. There was the desire not to be at the jail. The personal issue I have on the patrol side. The hope for getting the job in Bellevue. The desire to stay in Pullman to complete this softball season. The sleepiness that I had going too. I feel like I need to just get to the top of some building and scream and yell my lungs off. I need to thrown things and be violent with clay pigeons. I just need to get this feeling out of me. It feels like I have tucked it deep inside and on the surface most people don’t even know these horrible feelings I am having. I am playing it off very well. If I were to act the way I was feeling people would know there was a problem, but there is nothing that anyone can do about the fact I didn’t get the job. Though I feel like a total loser for not getting it. I feel like the politician who should have won an election, but someone else ended up winning showing the politician that people really don’t like him as much as he thought.