Feeling Horrible Still

February 8th, 2009

I am feeling absolutely horrible right now. I am down in the dumps. There would be a good chance that I would quit being a fulltime firefighter right now.

I don’t feel like I fit in on B-Shift at all. I am an outsider for sure. I felt like I was welcomed in on C-shift. That is not really the issue though, it just doesn’t help things.

What really sucks is the fact that I have served this city for nearly ten years as a reserve firefighter and it means squat to everyone. I am treated like I just joined Pullman Fire for the first time ever.

I was an engineer, but when I became a temp all of a sudden I am no longer an engineer. I have to do more things. But I bet if I were to go back to being a reserve they would say I am an engineer again. It is just stupid. They want to do things a certain way, but then they make exceptions for some, but not for others. I would have to point out the asinine nature of saying I am good enough to be an engineer on July first, but not July second.

I need only a little bit of drive time on some of the rigs, but it is hard to get being the temp. Captains usually want to focus on their full-time guys, not me. So I will be set aside in favor of the career guys. So I am lingering not being an engineer.

After yesterday I was hoping today would be different. I started off okay. I was getting my work done and all was well. I asked the engineer for today about doing some of the practical stuff with the ladder truck for the time I need in order to get checked off. As I was in the process of doing it, the captain came out and said he wanted a different guy to do it. That just totally angered me and made me feel like I am done with this.

So many things seem to be piling up on me right now. In some ways I just want to tell the chief thanks for the chance, I enjoyed many aspects of being fulltime, but there were some issues I was just unable to deal with. I have been doing this for nearly seven months. If I was only five months from being off probation that would be nice, but I would still have twelve months from the time of hire to be on probation. Seven months has been too much, another year is just horrible.

It makes me feel like I have two options at this point, just say “screw it.” Do my own thing and just don’t give a rip about anything else and do my job as required, but not play with other peoples’ games. Or play the games and have a better chance of “fitting in” with everyone should I get hired and make it off probation.

I want to just get my engineer stuff done under their nose. They are not going to help me do it. I have to go out and do it on my own. I am going to have to find time with Brown to get it done while on duty that way I can be done with it and not have to try to rely on the captains who have priorities that are different from mine.

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  1. Anonymous on February 8, 2009 22:45

    Everyone starts out as a rookie. Granted, you were the veteran of the reserves, but viewed by the full time guys as unequal. You’re right about your two options. Either take what you get and pay your dues, or decide that it’s not for you.

    Every fire department is different. It’s the individuals of each city’s department that makes it what it is. The successes and failures fall on the group of individuals. You have to approach your decision like joining a company, because that’s what it is, a monopolized company. Do you really want to sign on with coworkers who refuse to shake a new employees’ hand? I have heard of one employee in my day who said such a thing–he ended up getting fired for drinking/stealing alcohol on the job. My guess is someone who says such a thing is not only a Grade A asshole, but will likely not endure with the company.

    Many fire departments are full of politics, so you must decide to become a part of it and adhere to their mold, or struggle conforming. No one will make it easy for you. The Chief’s decisions with your experiences could have reasons beyond your own personal viewpoint, so don’t dismiss his choices as something against you. The boss has to learn with time, that you can perform to meet expectations without fail. Whether you already have those abilities doesn’t mean that he’s comfortable with you executing those abilities, or perhaps he is allowing someone else gain that experience because they don’t have the time you have already put in.

    I hope any of my rambling helps. But at least the act of airing out some grievances can somehow help.

    -Richard

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